The Phantom Menace: Reels of Doom
by ntrophi
Summary: Updated again! A few more trip-ups for the cast. Jar-Jar dies, Obi and Qui discover the delight of gas, and we delve a little deeper into Maul's "fragile" soul.
1. Welcome to the Show

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the TPM cast (though Obi and Maul can be my slaves if they want!!) or Uncle George. No offense meant. This is only the first edition. I know it's short, but I do have some more. I just haven't typed them up yet!! When I think of some more (suggestions are welcome - you will be credited) then I'll update this. For now though, this is all ya can have!! Thanks for reading!  
  
  
The Phantom Menace out-takes (FIRST EDITION)  
  
Obi: [walks in front of the camera and grins] Hi there! I'm Jedi Kenobi! I was the one who found this out-takes tape, so I'm the one who gets to introduce it!!  
[He is suddenly pushed out of the way and replaced by Darth Maul]  
Maul: The Jedi lies. I was the one who found the tape. [waves a hand in a Jedi-like way] I am the true presenter of these out-takes...  
Obi: [stands up and thumps Maul. He then waves his own hand in a Jedi-like manner] These aren't the droids you're looking for...  
Maul: [from floor] Wrong movie you idiot!  
George Lucas: [off-screen] Is someone messing with my camera?!  
  
[Space]  
[The Death star with a rubber ring... I mean, the Trade Federation command ship, is floating in space]  
Obi: [V.O.] Wow... You can't even see the strings! [There is a sound like an irritated Jedi Master whacking his Padawan over the back of the head]  
  
  
[The Trade Federation Command Ship]  
[Nute Gunray and Rune Haako are getting ready to contact Darth Sidious. The hologram pops up, to reveal Sidious in a silly hat]  
Sidious: Sith R' Us. All modern perceptions of the Dark side catered for and lived up to... Free your hatred, join the... [realises his mistake as Rune and Nute collapse in laughter] Wait a second... Maul told me that filming wasn't going to start until tomorrow...  
[We see Maul run off the set very quickly, muttering something about getting a good head-start]  
  
  
[Trade Federation Ship]  
[Qui is about to slice through the blast doors of the bridge. Obi is stood - ready for attacks]  
Qui: [sinks his saber into the blast doors and twists] That's got it... WAGH!  
[Obi turns just in time to see Qui disappear through the door]  
Qui: Alright... Who switched the metal door for the plastic one?  
[Off-screen, Rabe and Sabe are sniggering. George gives them an evil look and waves an arm]  
George: Do that again... [The two handmaids prepare to replace another metal door with a paper one this time] NO! Not the joke! The scene!! [puts head in hands] This is why I work with special effects all the time...  
  
  
[Naboo's forest]  
Jar-Jar: [does complicated dive into the water, watched by two incredulous Jedi] Yousa follow me now Oki-de... [He trails off. Obi and Qui pause - sensing a disturbance in the Force (and the water) Jar-Jar splashes] Whatin dat?  
[A big fish leaps up and swallows him]  
Obi: Cool! [is slapped across the back of the head by Qui]  
George: [to Darth Maul and Darth Sidious - who are both sniggering] I thought you checked this water for carniverous fish?  
Sidious: [shrugs] Must have... missed that one...  
Maul: [under breath] Or released it into the water...  
The Crew: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED JAR-JAR!!  
  
  
[Naboo Cruiser]  
Ric Olie: Shield generator's been hit!  
Panaka: This is terrible... We're done for...  
Obi: [smirking slightly] Perhaps if I state the obvious for the entire movie, I can come away looking fairly credible!  
[Ric seems not to notice as R2-D2 fixes the shield generator]  
Ric: That little droid did it!  
Panaka: We're not saved yet...  
Qui: [smirking as well] If stating the obvious doesn't work, then I'll have to make everything sound worse than it is!  
Ric: [still oblivious] The hyperdrive is leaking... There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant...  
Panaka: We're done for!!  
Qui: [monotone] We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship...  
Obi: Agh! You've caught the "Stating the obvious" virus as well! [Obi proceeds to bat all three of them away] Uncleeeean!  
Qui: [continuing] But if we can't land, then we're finished...  
Obi: [fakes a heart attack] My own Master... Stating the obvious as well as turning into a pessimist... No wonder I end up as a hermit on Tatooine!  
Qui: Look over there... [points and is trying not to laugh] It's space! [changes tone] But if we're not careful, it might destroy us...  
[Ric and Panaka finally cotton on and whack Qui with the nearest inanimate object]  
Artoo: Beep beep BLEEEP! (Translation: PUT ME DOWN!)  
  
  
[Tatooine]  
[Everyone is working on the Pod Racer]  
Anakin: Hey Jar-Jar. Why don't you put your hand in that beam?  
Jar-Jar: Whysa?  
Anakin: [stifles a giggle] Well, it's really cool, but it won't be a surprise if I tell you...  
Jar-Jar: Oki-dey... Whatever yousa say...   
[He sticks his hand in the beam and explodes. Anakin and Kitster look on in amazement as they are covered in Gungan entrails]  
Anakin: That was cool.  
Kitster: No shit...  
The Crew: OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED JAR-JAR!!  
Lone voice: Again...  
The Crew: HURRAH!  
George: [shakes head] TAKE TWO!! [pulls an inflatable Jar-Jar out of a box and hands it to a cameraman] Start blowing...  
  
TAKE TWO...  
Anakin: [is aware that George is pointing a shotgun at his back] Hey Jar-Jar... Stay away from that beam... If you get your hand caught in that it's gonna go numb for hours.  
[Jar-Jar nods and drops his spanner. Suddenly, Darth Maul and Obi-Wan - both dressed in Hawaiian shirts and shorts - run on and push Jar-Jar into the beam headfirst]  
Jar-Jar: [lying on the floor drooling] My head... My head is fat... and numb...  
Maul: No change there then!!! [high-fives Obi and runs off]  
  
  
[Amidala is stood by the window, staring out onto the city of Coruscant. Jar-Jar is stood behind her]  
Jar-Jar: Wesa no dyin' widout a fight. Wesa warriors... Wesa gotta...  
[He continues, not noticing that Sabe and Rabe are stood behind him, pulling faces and mimicking him. Amidala can see their reflection in the window and is trying not to laugh]  
George: Alright you two... Don't mess up another scene...  
  
LATER THAT SCENE:  
Amidala: Who else has been nominated?  
Panaka: Bail Antilles of Alderaan and Eli Teem of Malastare  
Palpatine: I believe our situation will create a strong sympathy vote... [Moves to sit down] I will be... WOAHH!!  
THUD  
[Sabe, Rabe and Amidala are now in hysterics. Rabe is holding one of the legs of the chair that Palpatine was supposed to sit on]  
George: [storms on the set brandishing a rusty looking scapel] THAT'S IT!!!  
[Sabe and Rabe run off, with George chasing them]  
  
  
[The Gungan vs Battle Droid scene]  
[The battle droids are advancing on the Gungan army, and have just walked through the shield]  
Tarpals: FIRE!!  
[The Gungan warriors start to fire, but soon stop as they realise that the energy balls are somewhat different...]  
Tarpals: [picks one up] Paint?! Whata dis doin' here?  
[He does not notice the battle droids and Gungans behind him start a full-scale paintball fight]  
Jar-Jar: [stands on top of one of the battle tanks and yells] PAINTENBALL FIGHT!!!  
[He is quickly covered head to toe in paint as everyone scrambles to find a paintball and throw it at him]  
  
  
[The cool lightsaber fight]  
[Maul, Obi and Qui are fighting on a catwalk. Maul turns and kicks Obi off]  
Obi: Hoooooooooooooooooooooly Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!  
THUD  
George: That's not the line Kenobi and you know it. Take Two.  
[Obi scowls, picks himself up and slowly starts to trudge back up to the top of the catwalk]  
  
TAKE TWO...  
Obi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!  
THUD  
George: Damnit Kenobi! You're supposed to be silent!  
Obi: [stands up and scowls] You expect me to be totally silent as I fall FIFTY FREAKING FEET ONTO A HARD SURFACE WITH AN AUDIBLE THUD?!  
George: [consults script] Yup.  
Maul and Qui: [from above] Aaaaah-hah-hah!!  
  
TAKE THREE...  
Obi: .................................................. eep...  
THUD  
George: [throws script to floor] That's IT! Time for desperate measures!!  
  
TAKE FOUR...  
[Obi falls to the floor silently and hits it with the audible thud noise]  
George: Good! CUT!!  
[Two stage hands go on and help Obi to get up. We see that he has tape over his mouth]  
Obi: [muffled] Mff mffle mmmmmff!!!! [spies Maul and Qui laughing at him and points] MFF MFFY MFFFFFF MF!! [stalks off]  
  



	2. Poor Obi

Author note: Star Wars not mine. Blah blah blah... I'm gonna post up all my new out-takes in chapters, and then when I feel I've done enough, I'll create the Special Edition!! (Meaning I put all of them together in a logical order!)  
I'm so glad so many people like this, and I love some of the suggestions you people are coming up with!!! But moooore people!! I need mooooore!! I want this to be an out-take collection of epic proportions!!!  
Hee hee!!   
Enjoy the latest batch!!  
  
  
  
[The Crawl]  
  
[The crawl comes up in front of the camera, but there's something different about it. Instead of looking like giant yellow writing against the backdrop of space, it looks like several pieces of cardboard stuck together with brown tape. It reads;]  
  
...Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. Uncle George has been allowed to direct another movie...  
  
George Lucas: [offscreen] That's not what I wrote...  
  
...In his quest for movie domination, he has tried a completely different tactic.  
Hoping to take movie merchandising to a completely different level, Uncle George has enlisted the help of many deadly Bristish actors...  
  
George: [offscreen and getting agitated] I REALLY didn't write that bit... Spielberg! Have you been messing with my effects again?!  
  
...While the congress of Hollywood fatcats debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor of movies everywhere has secretly dispatched two young actors - the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict and help free the British actors from their prison....  
  
[Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul leap on, both wearing masks on their faces and Scottish flags around their shoulders]  
Obi: I am Super-Jedi!!  
Maul: And I am Hyper-Maul!!  
Both: Together, we are here to stop you, evil Uncle George!  
Maul: [grabs George] Or should I say... [tries to pull the director's face off] I thought you said he was Bill Clinton in disguise!  
Obi: Uhh... My sources must have lied! Quickly Hyper-Maul!! We must fly!!  
[They both leap off the screen, and we hear them burst into insane laughter two seconds later]  
George: [very bemused] This is just gonna be one of THOSE shoots...  
  
  
[Trade Federation ship]  
  
[Obi and Qui-Gon have entered the conference room]  
TC-14: My Master will be with you shortly...  
[The droid leaves. Obi and Qui remove their thick hoods]  
Obi: I have a bad feeling about this...  
Qui: [smug] I don't sense anything.  
Obi: [frowns] It's not about the mission, Master... It's something elsewhere... Elusive...  
Qui: Don't center on your anxiety Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.  
Obi: But Master Yoda said that mindful of the future I should be, yes, hrrhm...  
[Qui gives Obi a funny look]  
Obi: [frowns] Well he did. It's so hard to figure out what he's saying sometimes...  
Yoda: [offscreen] Heard that I did! Anymore insolence from you, and your ass I shall kick!  
  
  
[Republic Cruiser]  
  
[The two pilots of the Cruiser are sat playing poker and do not notice that the camera is on them]  
Pilot 1: Hit me...  
Pilot 2: Whatcha got...?  
[They don't notice the huge laser cannon turn towards them. In fact, pilot 1 is too busy eyeing his cards]  
Pilot 1: Pair of Aces...  
Pilot 2: [grins and slams her cards down onto the table] HAH! I win aga... [notices the cannon] What's that?  
BOOOOOM  
[Scene cuts to Obi and Qui - who are also playing cards]  
George: Who let them have cards?!  
  
  
[Trade Federation ship]  
  
OWO-1: Check it out Corporal... We'll cover you.  
Corporal: Roger... What?! Hey!! I'm not going in there!!  
OWO-1: We drew straws before the take remember? You lost, so you have to go in there first!  
Corporal: NO WAY! Especially not alone! Do you guys know that there are actual JEDI in there!?! [tosses his gun aside and starts to head off the set] Forget it! I'll be in my trailer!!  
[The rest of the battle droids look around uneasily at each other]  
OWO-1: So... Who's going in there?  
[The rest of the droids shrug. They all turn suddenly as loud coughing is heard from inside the conference room]  
Obi: Hello!?! Choking to death in here!  
Qui: Little service might be nice!! Try to take more time next time eh?!  
[They both cough to add effect. George rolls his eyes]  
George: You're not choking. Get back in there and shut up. [under breath] And you call yourselves actors...  
Qui: [You can hear the mirth] We're not actors!! We're Jedi!  
[Cue much more coughing as George turns to gas machine up to full]  
  
  
[Tatooine desert]  
  
[Anakin and Qui are running across the desert. In the background, we can see Maul approaching quickly on his speederbike]  
Qui: [turns, spies Maul] Anakin!! Drop!!  
Ani: [frowns and stops, putting a hand to his ear] What? I can't hear you!  
Maul: [yelling] Get the hell out of the way!!  
Ani: [turns] Uh-oh!  
SPLAT  
Crew: Oh my GOD! You killed Anakin!!  
Obi: [far-off] Yippee!!  
Ani: Nah... I'm alright... [gets up slowly]  
Obi: [far-off] DAMNIT!  
  
TAKE TWO...  
Qui: Anakin!! Drop!!  
[Ani manages to get down this time, and Maul's speeder bike sails over him. Qui ignites his saber and readies for Maul's attack]  
Maul: [leaps off his speeder bike in an impressive flip. Unfortunately...] Grr... WAGH!! [He doesn't make it all the way back to upright and lands upside down, practically on his head]  
Qui: [bursts out laughing after wincing slightly] And you call yourself a Sith? My apprentice can pull off better flips than that!  
Maul: [from floor] Yeah, but your apprentice can't work a lightsaber or do a split kick without landing funny.  
Obi: [V.O.] HEY!  
Qui: He's right though...  
  
  
((Credit goes out to Sifu Rae for suggesting this!!))  
[Coruscant]  
  
[Maul and Sid are walking along a balcony]  
Maul: Tatooine is sparsely populated. If the trace was correct, I will find them quickly, Master.  
Sid: Move against the Jedi first... Then you will have no difficulty taking the Queen...  
[They pause by the balcony's edge, Maul turns to Sid]  
Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi... At last we will have revenge...  
Sid: You have been well-trained, my young apprentice. They will be no match for you...  
George: CUT! Good take guys.  
Maul: [yawns] This is boring, Master. Why are we working for that idiot again?  
Sid: [sighs as if he has already explained this four times] Because taking over the universe costs money... And as you seem reluctant to hold on to a proper job, we have to resort to acting.  
Maul: [shudders] Well... Can we not at least kill a few Jedi while we're here?  
Sid: [shakes head and looks down over the balcony edge] Not yet, my young apprentice... but we CAN hock loogies at them... [points down]  
Maul: [grins] D'you think I can hit Yoda from here?  
Sid: No... To hit such a small target requires a master's skill...  
[They both hock back and spit off the edge of the balcony. We hear at least two people scream]  
Sid: [smug] See? I got him. You missed.  
Maul: [scowling] At least I got that stupid Ki-Adi Mundi fella...  
George: Am I paying you guys to spit at your co-stars?  
Sid: [rolls eyes and waves hand in Jedi-like manner] Yes. You are.  
George: [entraced] Yes... I am...  
Sid: Excellent...  
[The two Sith continue to spit off the edge]  
  
  
[Naboo hangar]  
  
Battle Droid: Halt!  
Qui: I'm ambassador to the Supreme Chancellor and I'm taking these people to Coruscant.  
Droid: [confused] Wheeeere are you taking them?  
Qui: [leans forwards and thwaps the droid across the forehead] To Coruscant! Are you deaf?  
Droid: [a single tear wells up in one eye] Y-you... [starts to cry]  
George: [tries to suffocate self with his script] Take Two!!  
  
LATER ON...  
Droid: You're under arrest!  
[Qui slices the droid in half with his saber, ushering everyone onto the ship. Just across the hangar, Obi leaps out of his hiding place and takes out two droids with a stunning split kick... Unfortunately, he doesn't quite land right]  
Every male member of the cast and crew: Aiiiie! That's gotta hurt!  
Qui: [winces as he watches Obi land - still doing the splits] What have I taught you about split kicks, Padawan?  
Obi: [has turned a funny shade of red, is holding his groin and cannot speak with normal pitch] Sorry... Master... [falls to the floor and groans]  
George: Recover, then we'll do that again...  
  
  
[Naboo corridor]  
  
[Panaka, Amidala et al are firing at several battle droids from behind cloumns of thick marble. Panaka realises that this is not happening fast enough and shoots out the window oppostie. Amidala catches on and heads out of the window with Panaka and a group of guards]  
Panaka: Ascension guns!  
[they all get out their ascension guns and fire them upwards. The arrows embed themselves in the rock above. Everyone pushes a button on their gun and start to move upwards. All except...]  
Panaka: What the...?! [he is moving down istead of up] HEY!!  
[Obi and Maul appear and peer down at him through the busted window]  
Obi: That'll teach you to be such a pessimistic idiot!!  
Panaka: I'm doomed!  
Maul: [to Obi] He doesn't learn, does he?  
Obi: [shakes head] What should we do?  
[They both produce a pair of scissors and grin evilly at Panaka]  
Panaka: Oh shit!  
[Maul is about to cut the wire when he is grabbed from behind by Ric and wrestled to the ground]  
Maul: Heeey!  
[Panaka climbs back up the wire and growls at the two pranksters... Cue cat-fight between all four]  
George: I give up...  
  
  
((More credit to Sifu Rae for this one!! This is going to be a running joke by the way... heh heh heh!!))  
[Naboo]  
  
  
[Obi, Qui and Jar-Jar are stood on a balcony/bridge, watching as battle droids lead Amidala and her entourage along. They jump down. Qui easily ignites his saber]  
Obi: [his saber won't turn on] What the hell? [he shakes it... It still won't turn on]  
Qui: [stops and frowns] What's wrong NOW? [turns to battle droids] Excuse me!! We're not ready to fight right now!  
Battle droids: [shrug] Fine...  
Obi: [is peering down the end of his saber and still shaking it] Why won't it work?  
Qui: Give it here. [Drops it on the floor and stamps on it] Here. Try it now.  
Obi: [pushes the button. Nothing] It's broken!! [hits it against the nearest wall... Still nothing]  
[The camera moves offscreen, where Maul is chuckling madly and concentrating hard]  
Maul: C'moon little Jedi... Lets just look down the saber again...  
Obi: [shakes it again] I'm gonna have to pull it apart... [tries to twist the bottom off. Fails miserably] C'mooon!! [He puts the saber between his legs and continues to try pulling the bottom off]  
Maul: Even better!! [clicks his fingers]  
[Suddenly, the saber turns on. Obi pales for a split second and then screams]  
Every male member of the crew: AIIIIE!!! [all grab their groins and try not to feel Obi's pain]  
Maul: YEEES!! TAKE THAT JEDI!! [dances around in victory as Obi falls to ground, groaning again]  
George: [to Maul] You do that one more time, and you're off my set.  
Maul: [hopefully] Is that a promise?  
  



	3. Gas, Maul and killing JarJar

Disclaimer: Still not my property. Don't sue me, Uncle George. Please?  
Still more to come!! I have a nice collection ready to be written up, but I still welcome suggestions and/or comments!! Review me!! PLEASE!!  
Enjoy!!  
  
  
  
[Tatooine desert]  
[Maul's probe has just returned. The Sith Lord reads the information from the probe and moves to get onto his speeder bike. After gunning the engine a few times, he heads off down a sheer cliff face, letting out a loud...]  
Maul: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!  
[... as he goes]  
George: AARGH! This was why I didn't give him more lines!!  
  
  
[End battle]  
[Obi is clinging to the side of the melting pit for dear life. However, he has a plan to get out of this alive. He manipulates Qui's saber with the Force, causing it to leap into the air. He pulls himself out of the pit, grabs the saber in mid-air and lands just behind Maul...  
The Sith smirks, and instead of turning around, he sidesteps...]  
Obi: What the...? Waaaaagh!  
[Obi falls down the pit. Maul laughs his head off]  
  
  
[Coruscant] ((Credit to my friend Verity for this one))  
  
[Amidala is getting ready for her next shoot, and the handmaidens are dealing with her hair]  
Ami: Are you sure that this style will do for the shoot?  
Sabe: [looks suspiciously like Obi in drag and is talking in falsetto] Why of course, your majesty. All the ladies in Coruscant are wearing their hair this way.  
Rabe: [looks suspiciously like Maul in drag and is also talking in falsetto] Yes, your majesty. You'll look so beautiful!  
Ami: Alright then... But it feels awfully back-heavy. I don't want to fall over in front of the Council.  
Sabe and Rabe: [exchange smirks] Of course not, your highness.  
George: Alright, Amidala. It's your cue.  
Ami: [gets ready to stand] Yes, Uncle George.  
[Amidala stands up, teeters a little on her heels and takes a step forwards; Rabe and Sabe follow her with smirks on their faces. After about three steps, Amidala begins to fall backwards, but does not seem to notice]  
Sabe: TIMBEEER!  
[Amidala hits the floor with a thud, and like a turtle on it's back, she is unable to get up again]  
Ami: Little help here please?  
[Sabe and Rabe burst into laughter, and rip off their gowns...]  
Male crew: Ooooh!  
[... to reveal Maul and Obi]  
Male crew: EW!  
Lone voice: I thought they looked good...  
Obi: We strike again!! You'll never stop us!!  
Maul: Muah hah!!  
[They bound off, leaving Amidala to struggle]  
Ami: HELP!!! I'm royalty for god's sake! GET ME UP!!  
  
  
[Naboo]  
[Maul, Obi and Qui are fighting in the hangar. Maul kicks Obi to the ground, and moves towards the door. He turns to one of the destroyed battle droids, and uses the Force to pick it's head up... Unfortunately for him, the head does not move, and Maul walks into the door]  
Maul: OW! Who's been messing with my props?  
Obi: [is trying to look innocent] Not... me... [covers a snigger]  
Maul: [turns to the crew] Was it him?  
[The crew is silent]  
Maul: [menacing] WAS IT HIM?!  
[The crew all nod and point to Obi]  
Obi: Hey!! Wimps... You're not getting your $20 now!  
Qui: Obi-Wan, did you bribe the crew not to squeal on you?  
Obi: Yeah... Fat lot of good it did me... [notices Qui's raised eyebrow] I mean, uhh... no, Master... I was being controlled by one of the Sith when I bribed the crew. It wasn't my fault... [puppy dog eyes] Honest...  
Qui: Oh those innocent eyes... You must have been controlled. Those Sith...  
Sid: Oh yeah. Blame the SITH when your Padawan goes off the rails... [walks off, muttering under breath] Jedi these days...  
  
  
[Naboo]  
  
[The doors open at the end of the hangar, to reveal Maul. The soldiers pause to look at him. Anakin cranes his neck to see who's at the door. Finally, he jumps out of the fighter and pushes his way to the front of the group of soldiers]  
Ani: Who's at the front here...? [spies Maul] HOLY SH...  
[He is only cut off in time as Qui rams his hand over the boy's mouth. Maul remains menacing for about a minute longer, but then his face crumples]  
Maul: W-what's wrong with me...? Is it my face? W-what's wrong with my face?  
Sid: [looks around nervously] This is why I didn't give him a mirror...  
[Ami has leant Maul her mirror. The Sith Lord is gazing into the reflective surface, tears forming at his eyes]  
Maul: I'm... I'm...  
Ani: [escapes Qui's grasp for a moment] UGLY!!  
Qui: Anakin! That's not nice!  
[Too late. Maul is in tears]  
George: I was hoping we would avoid this... But nooo... [rolls eyes] Look, Maul. You're not ugly. You're... individual...  
Ani: And UGLY!!  
[Maul leaps at the child, who runs off snickering. Sid smirks]  
Sid: He has potential...  
George: We have no hope of resurrecting this scene...  
  
  
[Gungan City]  
  
[Obi and Qui are stood in front of Boss Nass. The Jedi are trying to explain how they need to help the Naboo]  
Obi: After those droids take control of the surface, they will come here and take control of you.   
Boss Nass: No, mesa no tink so. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.  
Obi: [frowns] You and the N... And the Naboo... What's my line?  
George: "You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand that"  
Obi: [nods eagerly] Alright. I've got it. Thanks.  
  
TAKE TWO...  
Boss Nass: No, mesa no tink so. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.  
Obi: You and the Naboo form a symbi... [scrunches up face] What's that word again?  
George: Symbiont...  
Obi: [nods and slaps his forehead with one hand] Right, yeah. Sorry everyone! I'll get it right!  
  
TAKE THREE...  
Obi: You and the Naboo form a sybionanty... That's not it, is it?  
  
TAKE FOUR...  
Obi: ... siobant?  
  
TAKE SEVEN...  
Obi: ... Cymbal?  
  
TAKE TWELVE...  
Obi: You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand that. [waits eagerly for Boss Nass to say his line]  
Boss Nass: Zzz... [is fast asleep]  
George: [mutters] Calm, blue ocean... Calm, blue ocean... You'd all better get it right next time...  
[The cast are transfixed by the purple colour of George's face]  
Cast: Yes, boss...  
  
TAKE THIRTEEN...  
Obi: You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must... Are you still asleep?  
George: [erupts] AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!  
  
  
[Tatooine]  
  
[The pod race is underway - The middle group of pods are about to cross the start line at the end of the first lap. Jar-Jar is looking over the edge of the balcony he is stood on]  
J-J: Dis is ganna be messy!!  
[He does not notice Padme creep up behind him. With a single, sweet, innocent move... She pushes him off...]  
SPLAT  
Crew: OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED JAR-JAR!!  
Padme: He shouldn't have tried on my shoes...  
  
  
[Naboo] ((Credit to Chaos Earth for this))  
  
[Qui is running through the jungle, being followed by the huge troop transports. Ahead of him, Jar-Jar is stood, watching the world go by. The silly Gungan suddenly notices the herds of animals, giant machines and stressed out Jedi heading for him]  
Jar-Jar: Ah!! Save me!!  
Qui: Get out of the way!!  
[Qui is about to run into Jar-Jar and push him to safety, but has a change of thought and sidesteps instead, giggling evilly. J-J stays stood as the transport plows into him - literally slicing him in half]  
Qui: I see why the Dark side is so tempting...  
Crew: OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED JAR-JAR!!  
  
  
[Trade Federation ship]  
[Obi and Qui notice the destruction of their ship - feeling the ripples through the Force. They leap up - sabers ready]  
Qui: [sniffs] Gas!  
[Both hold their breath]  
  
TWO MINUTES LATER:  
[The Jedi have emerged from the room and are fighting the battle droids. Obi pauses]  
Obi: [high, squeaky voice] Do you feel... strange, Mas... HEY! What's with my voice?!  
Qui: [also high and squeaky] Seems like you... Wait a second...  
[They both turn and glare at George, who is holding a snigger and hiding a helium canister behind his back]  
George: [innocent] We couldn't use REAL gas...  
Qui: [still squeaky] Directors... [rolls eyes]  
Obi: [squeaky] Y'know, sarcasm is lost when your voice is so high-pitched.  
[The two Jedi walk off, ignoring the laughs from the crew]  
  
TAKE TWO...  
[The Jedi emerge and start to laugh]  
Obi: Master... haaah... why are you... haa haa haaaa hee... laughing?  
Qui: Haaah... I'm not sure... Haa haa haa haaaaaaaaaaa!!!  
[George is holding another snigger - behind him, he is holding an empty nitrous oxide canister]  
Obi: [is rolling around on the floor, laughing his head off] I... can't... haa haa haa... stop... haaaa!!  
Qui: [leaning against a wall, wheezing for breath] I... haa hee... know...  
Obi: Haaa... My ribs are about to... hee haa haw haa... explode...  
[The two Jedi continue to laugh - even though it is evident they are in great pain]  
George: You boys going to behave?  
Obi: Haaa... Heeeeh... You... Haaaa... Bastard...  
Qui: Well said... haa hee haa haaaaa hee... apprentice... 


End file.
